Making Friends As An Adult?

I am the sort of person who has always found it difficult to make friends.
Im not really sure why, i just dont have that natural social flair that most seem to possess and i find myself feeling self concious and uncomfortable in social situations.

Im not one to approach a group of people, nor one to like being the centre of attention and having all eyes on me when i am speaking.

I am the one who keeps to myself, who no one really notices is there and when they do discover me, exclaim loudly that i am so quiet and kept to myself they they dont actually know anything about me!

Am i Shy? i suppose i was classed as being shy when i was younger, but funnily enough as an adult i have no problem in voicing my opinion, or standing up for myself and my loved ones. I am also pretty blunt and quite brutally honest and some people dont quite get my well meaning point. I also have quite a dry and witty sense of humour and some of the things i come out with dont always get recognised within the humour i meant them in and this can cause unintended offence.

Risking making myself sound like a socially backward fool, i will say that i always make an effort to smile at people, say hello, make small talk and so on. I am all the old ladies best friend at the bus stop and i would always run to someones aid if they were in need, stranger or not.

So why cant i make friends and relax into the comfortable friendships i see go on around me?

 Maybe its because i dont make a good friend. I dont follow normal friend etiquette. I am terrible for picking up the phone and giving people a call, and i am awful for arranging to meet up with people. I always have so many good intentions but before i know it its 10pm on Monday night and within the blink of an eye its already Friday and the week has flown by. Where it goes i dont know. Its not as if i do anything in particular with my time, i just seem to run after the children all day long and cook, clean and before i know it, the day has finished and its too late to pick the phone up as had been so well intended when i woke up that morning.

Im not very good with words either so sympathetic chats dont come easily to me. I just dont know what to say to people when something terrible has happened. I dont have those comforting words people like to hear and although i do feel for them, i struggle to get that out and worry that i will come across as cold and unfeeling.

Maybe i give off a vibe, or put up a wall. Having been badly let down through no fault of my own in the past by people i considered to be friends, i am very wary of people. Women can be extremely mean about each other and love nothing more than a good gossip and drama. I find that when i invite people into my home, i spend the entire day cleaning frantically before they arrive, and then the whole time they are here shifting uncomfortably in my seat picking faults in my home and my appearence and wondering if they see these faults too and then wishing they would go home so i can relax in my safe haven.

I never just relax back in my seat, open up and be myself. There is only one person i can do this with and thats my cousin Sian but we grew up like sisters so its bit different with her.

The reason for this rambling post was sparked by a mum i know from Tayla's school popping over this afternoon with her little girl who is friendly with Tayla. We only live down the street from each other, we pass each other at school every day, she was in a relationship with my brothers best friend, so therefore knew the same circle of people and we had always said hello, how are you? but never once had we met up, just us and the kids. Why? Neither of us could find a reason.

So over they came today, offered by me since i had heard she was having a bad time of it lately and we had tea (hot chocolate for the non tea drinker in me) and the kids played, we chatted and i think, we had a nice time.

I received a text message a little later that read -

'Thanks hun for having us over, you make a good brew so i'll be back again lol. Shame we've never really spoken before x'

That says it all really. Potential friends are right there to be made and yet i dont make them due to my own insecurities about how i look, how my home looks to the outside world and my own lack of self confidence to make a friend and then make the effort to keep in touch with that friend and make a friendship work.

So.. i think i need to give myself a good talking to about not being so lazy in keeping the relationship going, make the effort and to relax a little and just be myself!